Dear Journal,

Today was the day I was going to be a man. I woke up at sunup and went to the hill where i began to wonder how wonderful being a man really is. I wonder whether my fear of death and the life after it should be gone. I wonder whether I should be changing from Helaku, the boy with the sunny day smile to Helaku, the man with the solemn smile that is rarely seen. Should I feel like the big strong man my father is? Or the torn, old and broken medicine man I feel as if i should feel stronger, bigger, happier. But I don't. I am no different than what I was a couple of days ago. I am still terrrified of death, terrified of so many things I should not be I do not want to still be this boy! I want to be a man. I am a man trapped in a boy's body. But I do not want to be. Powhatan comes to me and whispers in my ear that no other man in our tribe has been able to kill a bear at my age, a mere fourteen. But he did not see the look in the bear's eyes when she died. That look of pure hatred, that she would be leaving her cubs, being torn from them in the prime of their youth. Powatan did not see the look on her face that she was being taking away from her baby cubs. It was hatred. Neither did he see the look of fear on her face from being torn away from life in it's prime to go into an empty nothingness and darkness. I did not like seeing and feeling this fear and hatred. Especially with my beliefs. But now I wonder. What really comes after death? Is it the long journey to that home in the sky? Or the empty nothingness that the bear lying on the ground that did not want death, the way w embrace it. While I sit there brooding, the men set up a cry.
"Helaku," my father says, "Put on your war paints and follow the rest of the men. There is large canoe coming in from the south shore and we must see what it is. It might be the gods Helaku! The gods coming to bring us gifts! But your faced must be painted. A man without paints is not a man in the presence of the gods."
My youngest sister comes to me and puts the necklace that my mother used to wear, and gave me when she was gone. I am excited now, but my mimd still wonders at the back of it. I must to go and see this for myself.
Sincerely,
Helaku

Dear Journal,

THOSE THINGS ARE NOT GODS!!!! They probably are not even men. They look like demons to me. And they did not even act like they knew we were here. They just got off there canoe and began to start setting up a camp. But they looked so strange. For one thing, they had WHITE SKIN! Not red skin. White skin. It was so strange. But the oddest things were their hair of corn color and and eyes of blue sky. We squatted in the bushes, watching them, learning their ways. THey wear strange clothes that cover all of their bodies, and wear no war paints. They must wear white paints, though, because their skin seemed unreal. There was one girl in particular though, who seemed somewhat pretty, for their kind. I caught her staring at me, though she did not realize, and seemed to consider me until she fell down the slanted things coming from the canoe. I thought it was funny, but my brother thought that she was in love.
"Ha!" He said, "I knew that some women might find you stranger but a demon, in love with you, Helaku. That is hilarious." I did not think so. But he made the joke, and now it is spread. I must go now, and finish this joke once and for all. I will come back to you later.
Sincerely,
Helaku

Dear Journal,

It has been two suns since I wrote to you, and so much has happened. I guess it all started when my brother challenged that if i was such a man that i could stand up to him about a woman, than i should go make a new spear. And it had look and feel wonderful. If it did not, the games and jokes would continue. So I left the next morning, and found a great piece of wood to use. I began to carve it and went to the river for a drink and some nice scenery to look upon when I hear a girls voice. I do not understand the words, but I do hear fear. Someone must be drowning. I will not let anyone else go to the darkness and emptiness. So I try to save this voice. I am speeding to the river and when I get there, you would not believe who I see. It is the girl. The one who has me out here is drowning. At that moment I did not care that she was a demon, only that i need to save a life. So I dive in, knowing my paints of camouflage will be gone. I grab hold of her, and though she is unconscious, she is alive. I swim back to the shore where my spear is lying. I set her down, and put my bak up against a tree so i can begin carving again. When she woke up, I tell her,
"I hope you know that it is because of you I am out here. If it weren't for you, I could not have saved you." She seems confused, so I point to myself and say, "Helaku."
She seems to understand that it is my name, so she does the same and says, "Elizabeth." I understand, and i'm just about to say something else when I hear the slightest crackling sound. I know it is my brother and run away. I do not need to be made fun of again.
Sincerely,
Helaku

Dear Journal,

Elizabeth will not leave me alone! At first, when I used to go the river for various reasons, and she would be there. But after a while, it seemed comforting.
Sincerely
Helaku

Dear Journal,

It has been one moon since I first met Elizabeth. She definitely seems to be in love. But I think I am, as well. I have been pondering this for a long time and, Journal, I shall give her my mother's necklace as a token of this love. I am preparing what to say, though she would not understand, and heading toward the river at the same time. I have told my father of my feelings, and he says that he is behind me only if she became one of us. so I must ask her this also. I get to the river, and see her. Before she even makes the slightest movement, I give her the necklace. She is so surprised, so happy that she kisses me on the cheek. It is so small, just a quick brush, really, and yet my spirit soars. I am so happy of this moment. My face grows hot, and i hope I am not blushing. I decide to try and teach her some of our words, and she the same.
"Trees. Birds. Grass. Elizabeth. Helaku. Love." At the last word I learned, she touched heart, and it fluttered. Then, before I could do anything else, she ran away.
Sincerely,
Helaku

Dear Journal,

Over the next week I teach her many words. One of the things I tell her first is that I love her. And then, she asks if I will go to her village. I say I will, and she becomes very happy. But by the time we are in the village, I am not. A deadly silence fills the village, and no one comes to eye contact with me. I see a woman who likes like Elizabeth's sister. They speak for a while, each growing more and more angry. I sit there, then murmur
"Angry," in english.
"Did he just talk to me? Did the savage just speak to me?" asked the woman.
"Yes he has been learning very well." says Elizabeth. Some more angry talking happens. Then I hear leaving, and marry, and then she pulls me away.
"May i stay with you for a while?" she asks. She takes the words right out of my mouth and I tell her so, but I also tell her that it is the only way that we could marry. I tell her that she must become one of us, and she says she will. Until the wedding.
Sincerely,
Helaku

Dear Journal,

Elizabeth (now Angeni) and I are finally married. But my brother was the one who strangely was happiest for me. And, the oddest thing happened. He showed respect to woman! And a supposed demon no less! I was so happy, and we danced all night at the ceremony. I do not think I will write in this journal for a while. I have too many things to do now.
Sincerely,
Helaku

Dear Journal,

The men who used to be related to Angeni have killed my father in battle. It has been years since I wrote to you, and many things have happened. The white men now battle us for our land. It is not fair, they say, you sold this land to us, we have full l am of it. When have done no such thing. I am now the man I wanted to be, and my wife and I were happy. Until the death of my father. We are still in mourning, but nw my chance has come for revenge has come. An old village has become vulnerable and we shall do what we can. I must go to battle. Now. Good bye. Maybe forever.
Sincerely,
Helaku

Dear Journal,

I have killed the sister of Ageni! I feel so dirty, so shameful, and though Angeni moons, she does not blame and probably has forgiven me if she does. I am not sure she even knows of what I have done. I will tell her, one day. Probably, tomorrow, probably today. Any day, I promise that I must tell her. I am also trying not to kill as much as I did. No more people will go into the nothingness at my hands.
Sincerely,
Helaku